It has taken me months to translate Mark Passio’s Neo-Feminism lecture into Spanish because… drum roll… I am still haunted by unconscious aspects of my childhood into the present moment.

I do believe I’ve largely addressed most of what has happened in my life– I forgive my abusive parents– love them, now, even — have chosen to love a baby with Down syndrome that the World told me to abort… I chose to marry for actual love rather than for meaningless things like money.

I don’t think I’m good enough.

There. I said it.

It doesn’t feel good to admit this basic belief I have within myself.

I stare at myself, hard, in the mirror. She stares, back, smiling, crooking her neck. We reach for our neck…

I think that I need to be perfect and get everything perfectly figured out before I can call myself a “spiritual teacher.” I know enough to know I know some stuff, okay? But, also… I only recently came to the realization that this whole alien thing is a bullshit psy-op. That, to flatten the spiritual hierarchy and call it all “extraterrestrial” or “extradimensional,” instead of “angel” vs. “demon”… who/what entity(ies) would want to reframe/MK-Ultra our language like that?

I am afraid of putting myself out there and being ostracized in my social circles. I am very lonely but also, very social. I have many, many friends. But there’s very few I can talk to at this level. And, in that sense, it has been lonely. I am willing to tolerate hours, days, months, just to have a friend to share tea with. Yes, everyone is brainwashed. But I like some of them, even if they were to ostracize me immediately if they read any of this. We’ve celebrated births. Deaths. Life milestones. My women-friends and I.

I accept everyone at whatever stage they are in, and try to think about what messaging would appeal, what seed could I plant, in supporting their Awakening? Maybe tell them that I am Christian. Then I tell them that the Church fucked everyone over and left out the part about the importance of Resurrecting our Selves. Then I just leave it there. I don’t expound further. I just let it hang and act as if nothing happened and move on with the inane chatter. Because that’s as much as they’re able to digest in that moment. It might take them years to just receive that iota.

While I am at the Gen X/Millenial border, I am able to automaton-parrot back pop culture references since, I too, was subject to being raised by a television as a child. I too, got “lost” a lot in stores because my parents literally didn’t even care if I was there, following them or not, because they were busy shopping. I also had a sister who was 12 years older than me and sent me cassette tapes of angsty 80s music when I was 6 years old. I’m basically like a Gen X double agent who has lived in the Millenial body and is reporting back.

Anyway. I am trying to get over this Shadow. I have seen her and she is at least in a human form so that bodes well for my spiritual journey progress, I guess.

She haunts me and tells me I’m not good enough. That everyone will laugh at me and leave me to be alone. The scariest part is the loneliness. It’s a fucking crazy world where everyone reads what they read on the news and parrots it back in unison, not realizing how MK-Ultra’d/CIA-ridden all media is. I can no longer participate in the inane conversations about movies because I literally. just. don’t. care.

Does anyone realize that we just missed the solar storm of the century that would have ended all humanity/sentient beings/Life as we know it in this sphere in a *clap* (May 10th)? Why am I the only one having these vivid, spiritual dreams (I’m not the only one– we all are one and once you get that, it just opens up naturally/really effortless, honestly)? Is this a sign that in 1,000-1,500 years from now, Humanity finally, collectively resurrects itself?